It’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month, and I haven’t known what to say.
I know, shocking - me, speechless? Especially since I have spent the past nine months talking a lot about breast cancer. I’ve written about it, posted on social media about it, and had countless conversations with doctors, family members and friends. And I thought that would be extra true this month.
But instead, I’ve felt a bit frozen. Not knowing exactly what my place is in this meaningful month, and not knowing what I want to say. I feel this weird pressure (that I know is self-inflicted) to make some kind of big statement, something to spread awareness and do something good.
Maybe I’m just not there yet. I’m still in the “woah what the $*&# just happened?!” phase. My wounds are still fresh (literally - I just had my implant surgery to get my new boobs a month ago). It still doesn’t feel over.
Part of that is because I struggle to trust the fact that we got all of the cancer out and I actually don’t have to do any further treatment (which, don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for).
And part of that is because I haven’t yet had a single month where I didn’t have to go to the doctor or get some kind of test. In fact, I spent the first half of this month thinking my cancer was back.
October 1st was my first day of recovery from my implant exchange surgery. On October 7th, I had an MRI of my abdomen, because doctors saw something weird on my liver on a CT scan in early September. The MRI was inconclusive, so they rushed me into a biopsy on October 9th. I didn’t get the biopsy results until October 15th.
I’ll cut to the chase and let you know that what they saw on my liver was not cancer. That news was the biggest relief I’ve felt this entire year. Because for the past two weeks, I had been living in the possibility that my cancer had spread to my liver.
“Due to history of breast cancer, concern for metastatic disease,” read the scan reports.
I spent the first half of Breast Cancer Awareness Month worried I was about to join the metastatic (aka stage 4) breast cancer club.
So of course I haven’t had any uplifting words of encouragement to share, or some big statement about breast cancer awareness. Spreading awareness feels like sharing something beyond myself - not just what I’ve been through, but something I’ve learned that other people can apply to their lives. Things like, “early detection saves lives!” or “feel your boobs on the first!” (which, yes, early detection does save lives - it certainly saved mine - and it is important to feel your boobs!)
But honestly, I’ve spent most of this month only thinking about my breast cancer - not trying to help anyone else. That feels selfish, but also… unavoidable.
So here I am, with two days left of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. No cancer in my body, but no big inspirational message either.
I think all I can do right now is share what it’s like to try to process this all and figure out what it means to be a “breast cancer survivor.” And I know I’m not alone in this weird mix of emotions that comes with being done with treatment.
I am so lucky and grateful that I found my cancer early and that surgery was all I needed to do. But forever, I will live with this anxiety that it could come back. Every time some weird symptom pops up in my body, I’ll probably think it’s cancer - and so will the medical system.
In some ways, I’m grateful for that. I have a doctor I love, who takes me seriously and understands that my anxious brain is going to overthink everything. When something weird pops up, they rush to get me the tests I need to figure out what it is. And if those results had - or ever do - come back bad, I know they would be there for me.
But for now, in a very timely, Halloween-y way, my “history of breast cancer” is haunting me. Even when the outcome isn’t scary, the scans and tests are terrifying. Getting the “You have a new test result in MyChart” notification gives me more of a jump scare than any movie monster.
All that to say, I have not been watching any horror movies this October. Life is scary enough. But at least this month’s plot twist came with good news - and new boobs.
P.S. Speaking of boobs… I made a boob pie! Because, why not? (video below)